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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 14, 2014 9:30am-10:01am PST

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is legal thieves have been selling the 420 mile marker on interstate 70 so often >> tonight did we life iraq too soon or did we not start our third war there early enough. then a new breakthru in marketing. i'll tell you about it after an unskipable 30 minute ad. and my guest david fanning is the eck difficult producer of pbs's investigative news program frontline, dammit, i said i wouldn't pledge, now they're coming to my office. the new ford 5150 is made of 97% aluminum which means it's lighter but you can't put it in the microwave. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central
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(cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. good to see you be everybody, good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steveen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us. in here, out there, all around the world, stuff. you watch the show. i certainly hope that you do. because you one thing i said over and over again is that i love west virginia. it is my favorite of the directional virginias. step it up, eastern south. that's right, folks. i was so concerned when the liberal media made a big stink out of a merely large
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stink. jim? >> some 300,000 people in west virginia are facing now a fifth day without tap water after a chemical spill contaminated their water supply. >> the only appropriate use is toilet flushing. so flushing your commode would be appropriate but don't make baby formula with it, don't brush your teeth with it, don't wash with it, don't shower with it. >> a group of west virginiaians whont who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies, you've got your next hit. folks, the leak's toxin is something called 4 4-methylcyclohexane methanol which is used to wash coal before it goes to market in something called the froth flotation process and causes nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. so whether you are a lump of coal or a human, expect some froth flotation. (laughter) now the chemical came from a storage facility run by something called freedom industries.
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to west virginiaians, if you've got uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea, let freedom rain. (cheers and applause) now the liberals don't poison the river crowd has demonized this patriotic company but their c.e.o. gary southern reassured locals that all is fine in his distinctive southern accent. >> we have mitigatedded risk, we believe. of material leaving the facility and our mission now is to clean up, thank you very much. (laughter) >> stephen: well, that hits the spot. explaining why 300,000 people no longer have a water supply is thirsty work. (laughter) i don't see what people are worried about. 4-methyl cyclo hexane methanol should be very popular in west virginia,
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for pete's sake it's got two meths in there. besides-- i have it on good authority that it is perfectly safe. >> the chemical has a very, very low toxicity. it has no effect on aquatic life so there is no danger to fish in the river. >> stephen: see, low toxicity, zero danger to fish in the river, which should be a relief to west virginiaians who have now developed ills. besides, i think we all know the science isn't in on whether human beings need water to survive. there are plenty of other options. for instance what about saliva. i'm drinking it right now. yes, it's a little bland but i find, i find i just take a little country time lemonade-- (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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i just put a pinch between my cheek and gums and i got zesty refreshment without being a slave to big cats. what is that taste. it's got 4 methtyl cyclo hexane methanol. hmmmm, that's what micks it country. (laughter) speaking of waterless mountain regions, afghanistan. (laughter) in the last week the obama has been rocked by defense secretary robert gates's explosive new memoir available where of course they are free. now the book, the book takes dead aim, the book takes dead aim at the president's handling of the afghan war.
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according to his own defense secretary, quote, president obama was skeptical, if not outright convinced at his own strategy in afghanistan would fail. >> folksing i got to say it's shocking to hear that obama has a strategy in afghanistan. sure seems like he's free balling it. but folks, i'm going to make some headlines right now. i want to defend the president's policy in afghanistan by saying it's not nearly as bad as his policy in iraq because while obama twid els his thumb iraq is fall approximating into a state of crippling violence that can only be described as a rock, jim. >> al qaeda extremists making serious gains in iraq's anbar province where hundreds of american troops were killed or wounded fighting jihadies in the last decade. two cities in particular, fallujah and ramadi now seeing some of the worst fighting since the iraq war. >> i cannot believe president obama has given up on iraq, cities we care some
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of about like fallujah an and-- help me out, ramada s that it? yes, i'm not surprised. i mean foam pillows that is enough to make anyone strap on a suicide vest. nation, we've had two wars since 9/11 and obama has refused to launch either one of them. luckily, it's not too late for victory which brings us to tonight's word. folks, our president is the john mayer of war. he never commits and after he leaves you get a violent flare up in your tribal region. which, which is exactly what is happening in iraq. >> his abandonment of iraq lead directly to al qaeda taking over -- >> al qaeda now controls what we fought so hard to free. >> precious blood was spilled and national
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treasure was expended. helping iraqis remove a brutal dictator. that progress is now threatened. >> black flags of al qaeda are flying and that's a complete withdrawal and you may see the same result in afghanistan as we are seeing in iraq. >> stephen: well said, senator mccain. if we leave afghanistan that place could sink into war-torn cay owes, right now it is merely bullet riddled an arceer. so al qaeda-- keep this in mind, and this is important, folks, al qaeda wouldn't have come back if the president hadn't abandoned iraq after a mere eight years. i mean i for one, i for one was shocked, shocked that obama flew to baghdad to set a withdrawal date back in 2008 and even more shocked that he did it wearing a president bush mask. i mean the guy, the guy is a quitter. if obama-- (laughter) >> stephen: if obama had been around during the 100
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years war it would have been 50 years tops. well, i say if iraq-- if iraq is in chaos because we withdrew our troops then the obvious solution is to send our troops back in. right, senator mccain. >> first of all, no combat troops, obviously. let's get that out of the way. i would suggest perhaps sending david petraeus and ambassador crocker back over there. >> stephen: okay, yeah, david petraeus could fix this thing if you just gave him a tank on the battlefield. now obama-- (laughter) i think obama must do this. ladies and gentlemen, it is important obama has to do this because once you've been at war in a place, you are always responsible for anything that ever happened there. that is why-- and i've said this before, that is why you must never end wars. think about this. if you think about it, they're never, ever would have been a world war ii if
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we hadn't stopped fighting world war i. that's just math. or are you a a fan of hitler, president wilson. or take that, or take that pussy napoleon, he retreats from moscow, pretty soon rasputin, the commies move in, crush chef bangs his shoes, the next thing you know putin is topless and johnny weir can't go to the olympics. and soon what's happening-- i ware this is going to happen what is happening in iraq will happen in afghanistan. and there's only one person to blame for that, alexander the great. in 323 he cuts and runs and a thousand years later islam is founded boom, muslim extremists. i am going to say t i'm going to say it, macedonia's best years are behind it. to make certain that this sort of thing never happens again, president o bamenta
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needs to send troops anyplace we don't want bad things to happen to good people. that is why-- (laughter) i am calling for a surge into the unstable region of everywhere. -of-course i'm not suggesting anything permanent. our prepare-- troops will leave the moment they anyone will hurt each other after that. we will rake the seas, imprison the wind and count every star. anything is possible. now, will it be easy-- (laughter) >> stephen: no, it won't be easy. but once we're fighting in every country on earth, at least we can never be drawn into another war. and that's the word. we'll be right back. 3h
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>> welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, you know this show that you're watching right now, it's paid for, this show is paid for by those ads that you just wachld. and that's a problem because nobody watches ads any more except people still trying to figure out if flo lives in heaven, the south pole or some kind of insurance-induced coma. that's why these days companies often pay to work their products right into the show itself. it's called product placement. and now a new cop called mirriad is promising to take product placement to the
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next level as roger faxon, the chairman and man whose name sounds more corporate than his company explained on the fox business. >> what mirriad has done is to find a way to bring brands and great content together, by creating a logical and seamless integration of brands into great content. advertising is the crit-- critical ingredient in bringing great content to consumers. >> stephen: that's right, advertising is the critical ingredient in great content which is why hbo has never produced anything worth watching. even they admit it's not tv. mirriad makes great con at any time possible by retroactively inserting brands into reruns. just look how they have taken this old episode of usa's white collar and turned a nondescript building into a subway sandwich shop this is a whole new plot twist. did someone kidnap-- or did he just get lost inside his
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old pants. well, nation, i'm excited to learn that my parent company viacom is now a mirriad client which means soon, yeah, go ahead. (cheers and applause) these people get it. they're as excited as i am that they could soon be inserting advertising into my old shows and increase my profits and i mean, enhance the critical ingredients of bringing great content tenfold. well, folks, i want to make it easy by providing plenty of blank surfaces to the content enhanced. wait, what is this? hmmmm, oh, hmmmm, hmmmm, oh. oh. (applause) >> oh. this sure is refreshing intoxicating and or muscle mass building. (laughter) >> stephen: especially after i start my day with a big bowl of these things.
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oh, there it. hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. oh, with a generous serving of this, there you go. hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. you know what? they'll digitally insert me enjoying this a little later and i don't want to brag but i got one of these! isn't this thing awesome? i mean how did they make it so much smaller or larger than the last version. i mean who, who, who needs this old thing any more. and folks, those-of-us who create the shows won't even feel the inserted advertising. i mean they'll just slip it in. for instance, i mean, what could this be? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i mean, i don't-- i don't think you feel this.
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i wouldn't mind this being jammed into my show. i mean it could be anything. an electric razor. it could be a telescope or maybe just maybe it's a delicious subway foot long. eat fresh. we'll be right back. (cheers and applauplauseause "!hqrrrdx
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tonight front line travels to new york city while thousands of manhattan residents go innocently about their daily lives. on west 54th street award-winning talk show host stephen colbert faces the biggest challenge of his career. >> stephen: my guest tonight produces hard hitting investigative journalism for pbs. >> an interview with front-line executive producer david fanning. >> stephen: i'll ask what it is like to work with famed pbs reporter kermit t frog. please welcome david fanning. >> it's a conversation colbert has been preparing for since 4:00. (cheers and applause) his cameras were there, tonight on frontline, colbert versus fanning. >> stephen: david, thank you so much for joining me.
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i have wanted to have you on for a long time just to tear you a new one. okay. >> you're the eck difficult producer of frontline. which is if i'm not mistaken the last news or documentary program that does long form investigative journalism. >> left on television. >> stephen: left on television. >> neff's given up. >> stephen: why not throw in the towel, you're the last of the mohicans. why dow keep going? >> it matters. >> stephen: why does it matter. does it make money. does it mick money? >> it-- . >> stephen: does make money. >> it doesn't make money. >> stephen: the market has spoken. the market has spoken. you're the last dodo. >> well, yeah, but i think we need to be in business. i think we need to be in the business in this complicated world and i think we do it because we can take the time to do it. we can do it in some complexity. we can do it in a way that
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news and journalism doesn't do it any more. the networks have given up on this kind of journalism. >> stephen: the mere fact that you take a long time to do it shows that you are not doing it well. >> the market for good journalism has taken a very complicated subject and being able to boil it down into a single gesture and one shouted phrase. >> 15 seconds i believe. >> stephen: well if you let your guests talk for more than 7 seconds at a time you've lost control of your show. a great man once said that, you know who said that. >> i did. >> stephen: you did. so but okay well, what is the latest thing. what do you have coming up, the most complicated thing. >> north korea. >> stephen: okay. >> that's pretty interesting. >> stephen: thanks, obamacare. >> okay. >> stephen: right? there's nothing so complicated you can't shout thanks obamacare. >> okay, that does it. >> stephen: and reach an audience with that. last year you guys did a hit
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job on my buddy down on wall street about people not going to jail. >> right. >> stephen: or being prosecuted for what is going on on wall street. what effect did that have? >> well, we have the criminal division at the justice department resigned a few days later. and we heard that there was a great flurry of activity in the justice department against wall street executives. >> stephen: so it may have had an effect. >> maybe we had the beast blink, maybe we did something. >> stephen: then why are you sponsored by goldman sachs? >> i am embarrassed by that. i am embarrassed by that. that is on the pbs web site. they decided to put an ad on the video. and-- . >> stephen: when you had that, did it ever feel like you holding a green screen dildo. >> it doesn't, no. >> stephen: it doesn't. >> it doesn't.
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>> stephen: just curious. just curious. okay. do you ever lie in bed though some nights and think i'm the only one who does this, maybe my show sucks but i have nothing to compare it to within this is true. >> stephen: it's like being a runner. >> all those awards. >> stephen: your awards. you won 65 emmies, of 15 pe does bodies and the stanley cup for journalism. (applause) >> stephen: does this happen to you, does this happen to you. do you train up like great reporters and they leave and take the skills this they learn on front line so they can make cash with it. >> they come to us. they want to leave the networks. they want to come and work at frontline. >> stephen: what do you think happened at 60 mins. they used to be the other one, front line and "60 minutes", "60 minutes" has age on-- egg on their face. any advice for them? >> pay attention. make it better. >> stephen: let me write
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that down. pay attention. and make it better. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. david fanning, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: david fanning, front line. we'll be right back.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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dennis: what do i think my greatest strength as a server is? what the hell is this, frank? employee evaluation. this bar is a business, and we're going to start acting like one. i do not want to start acting like a business because that sounds boring as (bleep). yeah, that sounds terrible. plus, this thing's ten pages long. you know what? i'm not going to fill it out. well, that's going to affect your rank. - what rank? - i put us all on a ranking system so you kids would care about your jobs. are we ranked now? - yes, we are. - what's my rank? second, after me. - okay. - wait. what's my rank? you're third. what?! why am i third?! too volatile. that is bull(bleep), frank! okay, okay. yeah, yeah. what am i? - you're fifth. - fifth? that's last. why in the hell would i be last? too much lip and very sassy. sassy? that doesn't make sense.


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